Also, I can kill you with my brain

How to Sabotage a Potential Relationship: A Beginner’s Guide

Does someone like you? Is that a drag? Fear not! Through years and years of trial and error, I have devised three fool-proof methods for getting that jerk who likes you out of your life forever!

Method # 1: The “Dollhouse”

Tell him or her that you enjoy making dolls that look like the people you date. If that doesn’t shake them, take them to your room, where thousands of dolls line the walls. If that still doesn’t work, pretend that one of your dolls is actually your ex, and he or she is talking to you. Get into an argument with the doll that escalates into you stabbing it repeatedly in front of your would-be suitor. Once you are done stabbing the doll, turn to your date and go, “Whew,  I’m so turned-on right now!”

Checkmate.

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Can we just stop and reflect on how badass Gwen Cooper was this series?

She’s always been badass. But it was taken to an amazing level.

Can’t even count all the ways Wilfred is loveably awesome.

scollz:

Rewatching DW from season 1 just finished 4X02..I forgot how much I love Wilfred Mott.

Ridiculous questions #3.

keithjacks:

If you want the other editions of the ridiculous questions, feel free to ask and I’ll link you to them! 

1. What is the longest time you have ever spent trying to lick your way to the center of a Tootsie pop? How many licks?

2. There is now a “build your significant other” shop. For $8,000, you can build your own significant other (they call them Sigs for short) to all your specifications. Your Sig will be human in every way: mind, body, and consciousness. There is a no return/no refund/no edits policy. The specifications you choose, you are stuck with forever. Because a Sig is specifically designed to love you and only you, if you break up with one, it will kill itself. You have a decent job, but it will take you two years to save up $8,000. Do you buy yourself a Sig?

3. Halloween is tomorrow! You’re going to a party with all of your friends. It will be super fun and have everything you could ever want at a party, whatever that is. One catch: you have to make a costume out of only the things you find in the room you are sitting in now. Oh, and you get some glue. What do you go as? 

4. You can pick any instrument you want and instantly learn how to play it beautifully. What instrument do you choose? Now, you can have a choice: You can either be the best in the world at that instrument, but no one can ever hear you play it, or, you can be slightly below average at the instrument, but can play it for other people. What do you pick? 

5. You have found your soulmate. They are perfect in every way for you. One problem: they have incurable halitosis. Is this a dealbreaker? 

6. Would you rather be able to only read up to the last 30 pages of every book or only be able to read the last 30 pages of every book you read from now on? In other words, for every book you read, say a 100 page book, you can either read only pages 1-70 or only read pages 70-100. 

7. Do you think you can fall in love with someone if you only communicate with them online?

8. Is Inception actually an incredible movie, or is it a decent movie that people say is incredible because they don’t want to be seem dumb?

9. You are expecting a really important phone call. The phone call is good news and will absolutely change your life for the better. You know the phone call happens today, but you don’t know when. It can happen at any time. If you miss the call, they may call you back, they may not. Unfortunately, your voicemail is broken and doesn’t work. The call will click as if to go to voicemail, but then hang up on the caller. That day, you are in the middle of the best sex of your life. The phone rings. It may be the call, it may not. Do you answer? 

10. You have it from a reliable source that your reality is wrong. This isn’t reality, it is some kind of dream. In fact, you reading this is part of the dream and one clue that your life rings false. You need tangible proof in order to “wake up” from this false reality. Where do you go for proof? How do you try and prove this reality false?

11. Your best friend is married and has a child on the way and it is due in a week or two. Against your better judgment, you and your best friend have been engaging in an illegal activity together. You are both 50/50 in this illegal enterprise. The cops bust you. As of right now, you will both get 5 years in prison. Your best friend will miss the first five years of his/her child’s life. You can take the full wrap, though, and get 10 years in prison. Do you take the wrap for your friend to protect your best friends family?

12. Your family has been kidnapped. You are told you have to rob a bank in order to save them. They will know if you go to the police and will kill you and your family. They will not harm you or your family if you do as they ask (this is 100% true).  Do you think you could pull off a bank heist? And would you do it? 

13. Who would win in a real life gun fight: John Wayne at 30 years old or Clint Eastwood at 30 years old? 

14. Do you take any vitamins or supplements?

15. Do you believe in “the boat,” which is the idea that everyone’s lowest dateable age is their own age divided by two plus 7? Some people say love has no age, does yours? 

16. Your fire alarm goes off in your apartment building. There is a fire. As you have always planned, you grab your five most important possessions, put them in a basket or box of some kind and run out your door. In the hallway, you run into your cat lady neighbor. Her arms are filled with cats. She still has five cats that she cannot carry. You can help her save the animals by putting them in your basket. They won’t fit in your basket with your stuff in it and there is no way for you to make room. You need both hands to carry the basket. In other words, for every cat you save, you have to sacrifice one of your personal items. If you don’t save the save the cats, they will not escape and burn to death in the fire. Do you save the animals? 

Ridiculous questions #3.

If you want the other editions of the ridiculous questions, feel free to ask and I’ll link you to them! 

1. What is the longest time you have ever spent trying to lick your way to the center of a Tootsie pop? How many licks?

2. There is now a “build your significant other” shop. For $8,000, you can build your own significant other (they call them Sigs for short) to all your specifications. Your Sig will be human in every way: mind, body, and consciousness. There is a no return/no refund/no edits policy. The specifications you choose, you are stuck with forever. Because a Sig is specifically designed to love you and only you, if you break up with one, it will kill itself. You have a decent job, but it will take you two years to save up $8,000. Do you buy yourself a Sig?

3. Halloween is tomorrow! You’re going to a party with all of your friends. It will be super fun and have everything you could ever want at a party, whatever that is. One catch: you have to make a costume out of only the things you find in the room you are sitting in now. Oh, and you get some glue. What do you go as? 

4. You can pick any instrument you want and instantly learn how to play it beautifully. What instrument do you choose? Now, you can have a choice: You can either be the best in the world at that instrument, but no one can ever hear you play it, or, you can be slightly below average at the instrument, but can play it for other people. What do you pick? 

5. You have found your soulmate. They are perfect in every way for you. One problem: they have incurable halitosis. Is this a dealbreaker? 

6. Would you rather be able to only read up to the last 30 pages of every book or only be able to read the last 30 pages of every book you read from now on? In other words, for every book you read, say a 100 page book, you can either read only pages 1-70 or only read pages 70-100. 

7. Do you think you can fall in love with someone if you only communicate with them online?

8. Is Inception actually an incredible movie, or is it a decent movie that people say is incredible because they don’t want to be seem dumb?

9. You are expecting a really important phone call. The phone call is good news and will absolutely change your life for the better. You know the phone call happens today, but you don’t know when. It can happen at any time. If you miss the call, they may call you back, they may not. Unfortunately, your voicemail is broken and doesn’t work. The call will click as if to go to voicemail, but then hang up on the caller. That day, you are in the middle of the best sex of your life. The phone rings. It may be the call, it may not. Do you answer? 

10. You have it from a reliable source that your reality is wrong. This isn’t reality, it is some kind of dream. In fact, you reading this is part of the dream and one clue that your life rings false. You need tangible proof in order to “wake up” from this false reality. Where do you go for proof? How do you try and prove this reality false?

11. Your best friend is married and has a child on the way and it is due in a week or two. Against your better judgment, you and your best friend have been engaging in an illegal activity together. You are both 50/50 in this illegal enterprise. The cops bust you. As of right now, you will both get 5 years in prison. Your best friend will miss the first five years of his/her child’s life. You can take the full wrap, though, and get 10 years in prison. Do you take the wrap for your friend to protect your best friends family?

12. Your family has been kidnapped. You are told you have to rob a bank in order to save them. They will know if you go to the police and will kill you and your family. They will not harm you or your family if you do as they ask (this is 100% true).  Do you think you could pull off a bank heist? And would you do it? 

13. Who would win in a real life gun fight: John Wayne at 30 years old or Clint Eastwood at 30 years old? 

14. Do you take any vitamins or supplements?

15. Do you believe in “the boat,” which is the idea that everyone’s lowest dateable age is their own age divided by two plus 7? Some people say love has no age, does yours? 

16. Your fire alarm goes off in your apartment building. There is a fire. As you have always planned, you grab your five most important possessions, put them in a basket or box of some kind and run out your door. In the hallway, you run into your cat lady neighbor. Her arms are filled with cats. She still has five cats that she cannot carry. You can help her save the animals by putting them in your basket. They won’t fit in your basket with your stuff in it and there is no way for you to make room. You need both hands to carry the basket. In other words, for every cat you save, you have to sacrifice one of your personal items. If you don’t save the save the cats, they will not escape and burn to death in the fire. Do you save the animals? 

Ask me one of these ridiculous questions

keithjacks:

1. You are given a potion that will boost your self confidence to 100%. On this potion, you love everything about yourself and think you are amazing without being arrogant. The potion lasts for 12hours a day. And you can take it once a day.  If you skip a day, you get extremely ill, however. Also, There is a catch.  While on the potion, you cannot talk to people you are attracted to. Do you take the potion? 

2.  Would you rather only be able to eat fruit or have to put Pixie Stix into everything you drink from now on?

3. You can be any character in any Disney movie. Who do you choose?

4. Would you rather try to live off of beer or Jolly Ranchers for the rest of your (probably short) life?

5. There is a groundbreaking discovery that proves, with 100% accuracy, that all the stories in the Old Testament actually happened. There is absolutely no disputing it now. They literally happened. Snakes talked, men were swallowed by whales and lived, two people named every animal on earth, there was a massive flood etc… Does this news change how you live your life from now on?

6. Zombies have completely overrun your city. Of course, you have thought about this day forever, so you have the perfect zombie fortress, enough food to last ten years, guns, everything you could possibly need. One problem. A week ago, you promised your friend you would pet sit their animals while they went on vacation. They have one dog and one cat. Your friends are dead. Their apartment with the animals in it is right across the street, four stories up. You can look at your window and see that the animals are still alive. You have plenty of food for the animals. Both animals are extremely well behaved and would not try to run off or anything while you bring them across the street.  There are roughly 10 zombies within a block radius of your apartment. Do you risk crossing the street to save the animals? 

7. You can now ask any animal on the planet one question and get an answer. What animal do you ask and what question do you ask?

8. There is a pill that will increase your lifespan by 30 years. Even if you were to live to 120, the pill would make you live until 150. If you are hit by a truck tomorrow, you would be fine and live another 30 years. The caveat is that the pill makes all females lose all of their hair permanently and the pill gives all men incurable erectile dysfunction. Do you take the pill?

9. You found your soulmate and you are now together and living happily. Death knocks on your door and makes a proposition. He is going to kill your soulmate. But you can stop this. You can choose to have your soulmate live, but that means one stranger randomly selected throughout the world will die.

a. Do you let Death take your soulmate or kill the stranger? 

b. If you chose the stranger to die, Death will come back at the same time every year. He makes the same proposition but this time two strangers will die. Every year you choose to have your soulmate live, the number of strangers Death takes will double. So the year after, four will die and so on. What year do you let death take your soulmate, if ever? 

10.  The robots have taken over all of humanity. After years and years of battling the robots, you are the only human left. You watched the robots kill all of your friends and family. In your bunker, you are comfortable, have plenty of food and you are almost completely safe from the robots. Basically, you could probably live out your days there in peace. When you observe the robots, they have formed a society. They live together, they have families, they even have religion. You have discovered a weapon that can destroy the whole world and everything on it, including the robots. If you use the weapon, there is a 15% chance you die, too. If you survive, your shelter will still be intact and you can live out your days. Do you use the weapon? 

11. There is a new game show. It’s like The Bachelor/The Bachelorette except your best friend gets to pick 20 potential mates for you out of a pool of applicants. 85% of the people who have played the game have found “the one.” Of course, some haven’t. One restriction of the game show is that you have to marry the winner and cannot get a divorce. You have been asked to be the contestant on the show and to have your best friend pick the contestants. Do you play?

12. Describe the most vivid sex dream you have ever had.

13. Would you rather give up caffeine products or chocolate?

14. (Updated [harder] Version of a previous question) You fall in love with someone you think is the one. One problem: they cannot use the correct form of your/you’re ever. In every other respect, they are perfect. Naturally, you look past this because they are your soulmate. But what if from now on, they had to write all your correspondence for you: All your emails, letters, text messages, Facebook and tumblr posts, everything has to be written by them representing you. And you cannot correct them or tell them to correct it. No matter what, your lover will write the wrong form of your/you’re in everything. Do you stay with them now? 

Here is the second list of ridiculous questions I wrote. Stay tuned for a third batch today!

Ask me one of these ridiculous questions

1. You are given a potion that will boost your self confidence to 100%. On this potion, you love everything about yourself and think you are amazing without being arrogant. The potion lasts for 12hours a day. And you can take it once a day.  If you skip a day, you get extremely ill, however. Also, There is a catch.  While on the potion, you cannot talk to people you are attracted to. Do you take the potion? 

2.  Would you rather only be able to eat fruit or have to put Pixie Stix into everything you drink from now on?

3. You can be any character in any Disney movie. Who do you choose?

4. Would you rather try to live off of beer or Jolly Ranchers for the rest of your (probably short) life?

5. There is a groundbreaking discovery that proves, with 100% accuracy, that all the stories in the Old Testament actually happened. There is absolutely no disputing it now. They literally happened. Snakes talked, men were swallowed by whales and lived, two people named every animal on earth, there was a massive flood etc… Does this news change how you live your life from now on?

6. Zombies have completely overrun your city. Of course, you have thought about this day forever, so you have the perfect zombie fortress, enough food to last ten years, guns, everything you could possibly need. One problem. A week ago, you promised your friend you would pet sit their animals while they went on vacation. They have one dog and one cat. Your friends are dead. Their apartment with the animals in it is right across the street, four stories up. You can look at your window and see that the animals are still alive. You have plenty of food for the animals. Both animals are extremely well behaved and would not try to run off or anything while you bring them across the street.  There are roughly 10 zombies within a block radius of your apartment. Do you risk crossing the street to save the animals? 

7. You can now ask any animal on the planet one question and get an answer. What animal do you ask and what question do you ask?

8. There is a pill that will increase your lifespan by 30 years. Even if you were to live to 120, the pill would make you live until 150. If you are hit by a truck tomorrow, you would be fine and live another 30 years. The caveat is that the pill makes all females lose all of their hair permanently and the pill gives all men incurable erectile dysfunction. Do you take the pill?

9. You found your soulmate and you are now together and living happily. Death knocks on your door and makes a proposition. He is going to kill your soulmate. But you can stop this. You can choose to have your soulmate live, but that means one stranger randomly selected throughout the world will die.

a. Do you let Death take your soulmate or kill the stranger? 

b. If you chose the stranger to die, Death will come back at the same time every year. He makes the same proposition but this time two strangers will die. Every year you choose to have your soulmate live, the number of strangers Death takes will double. So the year after, four will die and so on. What year do you let death take your soulmate, if ever? 

10.  The robots have taken over all of humanity. After years and years of battling the robots, you are the only human left. You watched the robots kill all of your friends and family. In your bunker, you are comfortable, have plenty of food and you are almost completely safe from the robots. Basically, you could probably live out your days there in peace. When you observe the robots, they have formed a society. They live together, they have families, they even have religion. You have discovered a weapon that can destroy the whole world and everything on it, including the robots. If you use the weapon, there is a 15% chance you die, too. If you survive, your shelter will still be intact and you can live out your days. Do you use the weapon? 

11. There is a new game show. It’s like The Bachelor/The Bachelorette except your best friend gets to pick 20 potential mates for you out of a pool of applicants. 85% of the people who have played the game have found “the one.” Of course, some haven’t. One restriction of the game show is that you have to marry the winner and cannot get a divorce. You have been asked to be the contestant on the show and to have your best friend pick the contestants. Do you play?

12. Describe the most vivid sex dream you have ever had.

13. Would you rather give up caffeine products or chocolate?

14. (Updated [harder] Version of a previous question) You fall in love with someone you think is the one. One problem: they cannot use the correct form of your/you’re ever. In every other respect, they are perfect. Naturally, you look past this because they are your soulmate. But what if from now on, they had to write all your correspondence for you: All your emails, letters, text messages, Facebook and tumblr posts, everything has to be written by them representing you. And you cannot correct them or tell them to correct it. No matter what, your lover will write the wrong form of your/you’re in everything. Do you stay with them now?